[instructor Doe]
I am Professor Doe, your instructor for CS 130. From now on you only code
with structure and the first and last line of code from your filthy
fingers will be program and end. Do you frosh understand that?
[students say in unison]
program
writeln ("yes");
end
[Doe]
Windows source! I can't understand your code. Write like you know how to
comment.
[students]
program {program to output string "yes"}
writeln ("yes");
end {halt execution, program completed}
[Doe]
If you newbies leave my lecture, if you survive the final exam... you will
be a coder, ready for CS 134.
But until that day you are kludgers! You are the lowest form of computer
user on Earth. You are not even computer literate! You are nothing but
unorganized grabasstic pieces of amphibian hacks!
Because my TA's marking is hard you will not like us. But the more you
hate us, the more you will learn. We are hard but we are fair! There is
not much inconsistency in our marking here. We do not look highly upon
goto's or undocumented routines. Here your code is all equally worthless!
And my tenure means that I get to weed out all the non-hackers who do not
understand the lectures well enough to write my beloved code. Do you frosh
understand that?
[Students]
program
writeln ("yes");
end
[Doe]
Win95 source! I can't understand your code. Write like you know how to
comment.
[students]
program {program to output string "yes"}
writeln ("yes");
end {halt execution, program completed}
[Doe to one student]
What's your name future Microsoft employee?
[97123456]
program {program to output string with name}
writeln ("Undergrad - student brown");
end {halt execution, program completed}
[Doe]
DOS 3.2 source! From now you're Undergrad 97123456, do you like that name Undergrad 97123456?
[97123456]
program {program to output string "yes"}
writeln ("yes");
end {halt execution, program completed}
[Doe]
Well there's one thing that you won't like, 97123456! The computers that
you code on don't crash on a daily basis in my machine room!!
[97123456]
program {program to output string "yes"}
writeln ("yes");
end {halt execution, program completed}
[student across the room]
Is that you, Bill Gates? Is this me?...
[Doe]
Who said? Who the MS Word source said that? Who's the slimy little
communist kludge twinkle-fingered NT Kernel writer who just signed his
contract with Microsoft? The Nobody daemon, huh?! The msg daemon said it.
Ro- edlin -bust! I will give you all 30,000 line assignments, until all
your systems crash. I'll make you code so much your hard drives will
crash.
[Throws chalk at random student near, 97654321]
Was it you, you scroungy little Visual Studio writer, huh?!
[Student hit by chalk]
program {program to output string "no"}
writeln ("no");
end {halt execution, program completed}
[Doe]
You little piece of Access code! You look like a VB statement! I'll bet it
was you!
[Student]
program {program to output string "no"}
writeln ("no");
end {halt execution, program completed}
[97654321]
program {program to output string "I said it"}
writeln ("I said it");
end {halt execution, program completed}
[Doe]
Well... no DOS. What have we got here, a qBasic comedian? Undergrad
97654321? I admire your honesty. Hell, I like your code. You can come over
to my house and debug my Kernel.
[Instructor throws chalk at 97654321, 97654321 ducks]
You little Microserf! I've your ID number! I've got your name! You will
not laugh, you will not cry! You will learn by the code. I will teach you.
Now sit up! You had best write structured code or I will fail you!
[97654321]
program {program to output string "yes"}
writeln ("yes");
end {halt execution, program completed}
[Doe]
97654321, why did you join my beloved coders?
[97654321]
program {program to output string}
writeln ("to code sir");
end {halt execution, program completed}
[Doe]
So you're a coder!
[97654321]
program {program to output string "yes"}
writeln ("yes");
end {halt execution, program completed}
[Doe]
Let me see your coder's face!
[97654321]
program {program to output string "sir?"}
writeln ("sir?");
end {halt execution, program completed}
[Doe]
You got a coder's face? Aaaaaagh! That's a coder's face. [Instructor
contorts face into very tired haggard look of someone who's spent too many
hours in the Real Time Lab]
[97654321]
Aaaaaagh
[Doe]
Windows 3.11 source! You didn't convince me! Let me see your real coder's
face!
[97654321]
Aaaaaagh!
[Doe]
You don't scare me! Work on it!
[97654321]
program {program to output string "yes"}
writeln ("yes");
end {halt execution, program completed}